And now, Covid-19: the movie

The setting: Burbank Ca., Hollywood studio exec., corpulent unshaven producer (similar to) Harvey Weinstein. The pitch: Scrawny dweeb screenwriter, jittery hands holding voluminous unstapled sheaf (script). Producer: “Okay I only have five minutes (the casting couch awaits), give me your pitch and make it snappy.” Nerdy writer: “Well, well, it’s sci fi, see? It’s about this virus that takes over the world.” Producer: “Give me a break but go on.” Writer: “Well, you see, the virus starts in Communist - aka ‘Red’ - China and seeps out spreading all over the world.” Producer: (yawn). Writer: “Well it starts infecting everyone – people in Italy, then America, Europe, South America – in fact, the whole world. That’s why they call it a ‘pandemic.’ Virtually every country has to be shut down. There’s no cure and the disease is, like, super contagious. People die!!! People have to stay in their homes.” Producer: “Ya, so?” Writer: “Well, get this. There’s panic. But not in the streets – in the supermarkets! People fight each other for not food but toilet paper! Also, the virus is so contagious people are afraid to touch surfaces. They disinfect their groceries and use elbows to press elevator buttons. They walk around each other on the street.” Producer: “Oh brother!” Writer: “So, you see, there’s this big lockdown. Manhattan empties out; the streets of New York, London - everywhere - deserted! The Rolling Stones record a song called Ghost Town. That’s not all, when people do come out they have to “social distance” meaning keep six feet apart. People scream at each other for not keeping distance. Neighbors snitch - a little of that old Communist Cold War feeling - if they see crowding. Producer: “Now you’re getting on my nerves.” Writer: “That’s not all. People wear masks, just like surgeons. And some even wear plastic face shields like in a nuclear power plant. How science fictiony is that! Naomi Campbell even wears a hazmat suit. But mainly old people die, no one cares! So this film – social comment - is also about how we treat our old.” Producer: “I’ve heard that before, but it's not our demo.”  Writer: “Ya, well, the cities eventually ‘re-open’ but it’s weird. There are plastic windows between store clerks and customers, restaurants have to “space” tables, there's no singing in churches, sports teams play in disinfected "bubbles," no one rides subways or buses, airlines (figuratively) crash.”  Producer: (On the verge of sleep): “The name of this schlock?” Writer: “Wait for it, it’s a good one: ‘The novel coronavirus or Covid-19.’ Producer: (Yelling) “Get out of my office!!!”